PM1303034
Caught myself being the butt
of another head game this morning
and I realize what an idiot
I have been.
I have descended, unknowingly
back into depression.
The signs were all there but I
was just too stupid to read them.
Foolishly I let my guard down
and I let it go too far,
I don't know how to stop the
descent, if I did, I wouldn't
be in this situation in the first
place. How could I not see the
train coming into the station as
I continued to look for quarters
on the tracks?
The pain in my chest which I
thought was from smoking too
many cigarettes turns out to be something
different, completely different.
Why didn't I notice anything when
I found myself wandering around
the house at three in the morning
again, smoking right at the door
because I feared the witch had returned
to the back yard again?
I am not a smart man,
even though I have tried my
whole life to convince myself that
I am. I dig holes so deep that
there is no hope of escape,
and instead of burrowing my way
upwards I either keep digging down
or I just lie there at the bottom
and wait for the inevitable.
I fear the inevitable even more
now, and I know its because it
has managed to creep its' way even
closer to my being.
When did the healing process stop,
I thought I was still in the middle
of it,
but apparently it deserted me a while
ago, snuck out the back door and
now I can hear the screen door banging
in the wind.
Years of attempting to recognize the
symptoms have failed as I wallow
in the pit, what a pit of despair,
I didn't trip along the edge, no,
I just walked right in up to
my neck.
Put your arms out and try to
swim against the tide if you
can, when salvation appears to you
simply slip below the waves and
let it take you while you are warm,
fighting makes you cold.
MCC
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