Despair and Depravity

Despair and Depravity

(PM LX)

I have become one of the

"bad machines"

from Midnight Express, doomed

to walk around

in a circle in the basement

until I can be fixed

How I want to break free from that

condemned walk,

and go counter-clockwise,

shoving people out of the way and

drawing the attention of the

fixers,

that maybe I am slipping

slowly away from their grip.

Why do we have to reach the

very pit of despair and depravity

before someone reaches out to

help us.

Wouldn't it be easier to catch

sight of the souls tumbling

through the cosmos and try

to soften their landing pad

instead of trying to pick up the

pieces that have shattered

on a cold, tiled bathroom floor.

The neurons in the brain misfire

at times or do not reach across

the synapses to fire the motors

that drive you,

or so I've understood.

One of the drugs I take tries

to make the connection better,

and in doing so,

will better help me function

in society, with my family,

co-workers,

blah, blah, blah,

Wouldn't it make more sense for

me to learn to live within

society with what I have,

workable or not?

Altering my brain function

and usage has not worked,

it has alienated me more from

reality, and if I didn't have

a more patient wife and son

I would truly be fucked.

I can live inside the boundary

for a short amount of time

before slipping over the border

occasionally to dabble in what I

call "semi-blind futility".

I forget to pay bills

I spend compulsively and lose

track of money and time.

I procrastinate like crazy and I

do not complete half the

tasks I am obligated to

undertake.

Importanly I lose my vision

of reaction,

consequences disappear and

lock themselves into a part of

my brain that I can see but I do not

hear or take heed.

By the time I react,

its too late,

and I suffer because I

am conscious of my faults,

just too late to try and

avoid them.

MCC