How does the struggle continue and what are the effects of the everyday problem of a semi-recluse become interesting to anyone besides themselves? I have asked myself this question on a million occasions and have yet to come up with a superlative answer. Memories have become more vivid and as vivid as they are I still question their existence, did my mind come up with them at the spur of the moment or have they been lurking in the deepest recesses of my brain and are only now attempting to make their appearance known? I cry about certain revelations and while I try and dismiss them as fast as I come up with them its hard to ignore them as I have my head in the toilet retching every fluid I have in my stomach. It takes all the energy I possess to discharge from my body the things that were done to me.
One particular incident that comes to mind is when I was for to perform cunnilingus on a woman and I threw up on her as I was doing it. I paid for that dearly with a beating and not only that, I was forced to clean it up and then do it again. This happened over forty years ago and I can still picture and smell the act as I am sitting here right now and writing about it. No drug or psychotherapy is going to pull me through that! Even if I was by some miracle trained to accept it as something that happened that wasn't my fault I still have trouble imagining that I could make any sort of peace out of it.
As you can see I am still in a complete mess over the situation and that was one of the mild days, I have a child so I have cleaned up piles of vomit and they have not bothered me to this point. I take valium as if they were jelly beans, they help for a while but you always come down, I take zopiclone as well and although it helps me sleep a bit I am still awoken to anxiety once more on the next day. Cipralex? Well I take that stupid drug everyday like a robot and it doesn't do fuck-all for me yet if I miss it I will spend the whole day freaking out about it!
I have become a very confused individual, one thing I do have going for me is this blog, I wish I wrote more in it but I tend to write freehand first and then transcribe to hear but there are sometimes not enough hours in the day to get that accomplished. I have volunteered at CAMH recently but have yet to be contacted, hopefully there is some way I can contribute to helping other people even when it seems I have given up on myself, I do feel like I have something to give. I greatly appreciate the feedback I get from this blog and look forward ro more of it in the future, I will try and pay more attention to it and try and make it worthwhile to someone besides myself.
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