CONSIDERATION

CONSIDERATION  PM2356

Looking in the mirror I noticed orange and

purple kool-aid stains on the upper lip,

dried sugar lasting the whole day from an

unwillingness to wash my face even when

it made me look like a clown. Wash it off the

feline way even though I am standing 

right in front of a bathroom sink, soap in

the soap holder,

washcloth on the towel rack,

but I licked it off with my tongue anyway,

contrasting to the saline solution mixed with

pubic hair and sweat that still lines

the insides of my mouth.

How long can I stay in the bathroom

with the door locked, not wanting to venture

out into the questionable safety of the house

where there is no where to hide,

not under the bed or behind the couch,

not in an upstairs closet or even in the

basement under the table saw,

not enough sawdust to absorb the moisture,

the fear sweat, perhaps nothing left on my

skin will ever be removed. It hurts my teeth and

I see one has become jagged, one of the big ones in 

the back, but I no longer care,

my mouth is no longer mine.

I am no longer responsible for what goes on

inside there, neither do I care about the pain

that has begun to hollow it out.

It is no longer mine, but the pain is mine

to be removed or to suffer at will,

a crochet hook or a knitting needle are the

most apt tools to wreak my own form of destruction.

Wincing, I accept the pain at the gumline hoping

once I have entered and the blood starts flowing it

will relieve the pressure in my jaw.

Later I mix my own paste of cocaine and poppy seeds,

and apply it to the wounds that I have inflicted.

The wounds have covered the scars,

the scars I knew were there but I could never

see, once, very young, I don't remember

the age, I dipped my fingers in turpentine and

then tried to rub them on my gums. I must

have thrown up for hours, I was so ill, dry-heaving

until dawn, they kept me home from school the

next day, to me a punishment, I just wanted to

get the hell out of the house. Smoke helped after a 

while but the tobacco smell reminded me of that stale

mouth, I even smoked Benson and Hedges Menthol 100's

to banish the memory but it had the opposite

effect and mixed with Laurentide it made me

throw up even more, the inside of my mouth

has become Terra Incognito,

it has seen way too much.