PM 1310141
I thought I had left my hard outer shell
behind, I know it had fallen off and I had
kicked it into the gutter,
it lay there, lifeless and I laughed at it as I
continued walking on, I should have
taken a picture of it because I now
forget what it looks like and now it may
be possible that it never happened at all.
In any case, the shell has begun to grow
back and its hard as steel this time. Nothing
will be able to penetrate it and this should
make me feel safe,
but it doesn't,
I am as vulnerable as the day I was
born and I know something is going
to land on top of me one of these days,
maybe not a grand piano, but something
heavy and the soft spot on top of my head
is the target.
I can't make it safe,
neither can I extend my shell over the
top of my head, it is always out in the
open, bare to the cold, the ill-will and
they try and enter it using a cold hammer
and chisel.
Every time I try to fight back, I grow cold
or I fall asleep,
something always happens to make me falter
and I realize why, always too late and
too quickly, I realize why.
Nothing can escape the final weight that
bears down upon you,
and I can't be strong anymore,
anymore.
I never wad and the lack of strength
has been my downfall,
and the reason the soft spot never hardened.
All would say its best to wear a hat but thats
only more weight,
and I do not need more weight on my
head, I can't carry what I have now.
Sadness is keeping me down and I am
drowning, not in tears but in pools of
self-loathing and mistrust,
unable to fight the monsters, I retreat
and berate myself for being such a coward.
I am not strong and never was,
I don't feel until well after its already
gone and by then is too late,
I can't get up in the morning and I can't sleep at night.
MCC
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